When my beloved doggo died..
Dear friend, you have lost a loved one. It hurts. There are no words to make it right or hurt less. On 28th of November at 5pm I had to let go of my best friend, my soulmate our sweet little Nana. She was such a special soul and had so much love and joy to give. She was only 2.5 years old, when she had her first seizure. Over the course of a year her epilepsy got worse, month my month, week by week, day by day. At the beginning of January everything seemed okay. The vets took a MRI and told us there was no tumor and nothing wrong with her digestive system. So they diagnosed her with a inherited form of epilepsy. After three months she hat four seizures in one day. We tried all sorts of medication to make them stop, but nothing really worked. For a couple of weeks everything seemed, fine, she was her old self, running around, playing fetch and seemed pretty relaxed. Until the next cluster came around. Usually she could rest in between the clusters ( a couple of seizures during a short amount of time). But last weekend everything took a terrible turn: she had ten long seizures. At that point we were seing the naturopath and going to acupuncture with her every two weeks. But at that point we had to come to terms, that none of her treatments were really helping her anymore. On Sunday, after the ninth seizure we took her to the animal hospital. They gave her a large dosis of “Keppra” just to make sure the cluster stopped, she got some rest. Her state was heartwrenching. Her sight was limited and she was crying a lot, which is very unusual for our brave little girl. It broke our hearts to see her suffer like that. That’s when my husband and I felt that it was time. We spend the last two days with her, visited the mountains and layed with her on the fresh snow. Then we bought her some delicious, very unhealthy treats. Two hours before our scheduled appointment at the vet, all three of us took a last nap together at home. My starchild was farting the whole time. (Oh, how I miss those farts.) From time to time she looked up, right into my eyes, just to make sure, we were still there with her. Then it was time to leave. We took her blanky with us, her stuffed snake toy and drove off. At the vet’s office we layed her on her blanky. She seemed very calm and relaxed as if she just knew, that soon everything will be over. When she took her final breath, a chunk of my heart went with her. I was crying my eyes out, because my baby was gone, my sweet little starchild. I think, that nothing will ever be able to fill that hole. I miss her so much, I can’t even express it in words, but I’m sure, you know what it feels like. Loosing someone is a process that needs time and patience with ourselves. Unfortunately we live in a society where it is not common to talk about death on a daily basis (unless you work for church, a hospital, or a crematorium). I find it very difficult to talk to people about everything that happened and how I feel about it, since people like to give unwanted advice all the time. Someone told me, I shouldn’t worry so much. Everything happens for a reason. Another person gave me the advice to get another dog, as soon as possible, to forget about what happend. Sometimes people don’t realize how hurtful they can be. They try to say something, to break the silence. I’d rather have someone by my side who knows how to say nothing and just BE with me in that moment of pain. I believe there is not only one way to cope with loss and here is why we need to find our very own. Coping with the loss of a loved one is extremely personal. How did it happen? Was it sudden or slowly approaching? No matter what kind of loss we are left with, we will be left to deal with our own grief. It is important to know, that every feeling you are experiencing is normal. Please don’t beat yourself up if you can’t cry or suddenly start laughing. Everyone expresses pain in a different and very personal way. Disappointment, hopelessness and grief: all the emotions we feel as human beings are normal and part of our lives. For me it was and still is very comforting to remember what her paws smelled like. I’ll never forget those shaggy paws that smelled like buttered popcorn.